How to fight with your spouse (and win)

After almost 12 years of marriage, I’ve learned how to fight to win.

I am not a licensed counselor, nor do I have anything remotely to a psychology degree. In fact, I am the furthest from touchy-feely as you might get, if you are merely looking at my credentials.

I am of German descent, took on the beautiful German language as my minor and majored in International Business. I like repairing old vintage cars, chopping crap up and using my physical strength to demolish lath and plaster.

I was determined to own at least one Fortune 500 company or if nothing else, take over Richard Branson’s Virgin empire.

Snuggling was foreign to me until I married Mr. SnugglesExtremeMan, hugs had to be forced until they were normal and I don’t kiss anyone on the cheek.

All of that said, when we were first married, I had no idea how to properly fight with my husband-other than fighting to win. It was my nature to be right, to protect my rights and to win. I learned very quickly just what “winning” does to a marriage.

It divided us, it alienated us from one another and it caused barriers. When I “won”, or when he “won”, we both lost. I remember once being so angry that I threw a pair of wet jeans at him that I was hanging up to dry.

They plopped onto the bathroom floor about a foot in front of me. He just stood there, open-mouthed, unsure of what to say. I felt like a little girl who had just had a temper tantrum.

It was embarrassing.

Sometimes I could manipulate him with guilt, sometimes I would use a few tears to sway him my way, or maybe I would just bring up all the mistakes he’d made in the past. It seemed to temporarily win the argument-but we both knew what I was doing and the problem was never really solved.

One day, the thought popped into my head that perhaps my way of fighting was inappropriate. After all, Biceps never raised his voice to me. He never reacted to my insanity. He calmly and rationally explained his viewpoint and then waited for me to talk in circles for the next hour, riding the roller coaster of my emotions.

He is a very patient man.

So, I started thinking. Was “winning” the argument really worth it? Did it draw us closer together when I proved that I was right, or did we not talk to each other for the rest of the day?

Were we a “team”, the two of us becoming one like we had promised in our vows-or was it me against him?

After reading this scripture, “…Rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” 2 Corinthians 13:11, I realized during our arguments, there was NO ROOM for God within the mess I had just made.

Ew. Gross. Ick. I stink.

Years later, I have come up with a system to ensure that both Biceps and I “win” when we argue. I (try to) run it through this filter before I approach a subject that is causing our relationship friction:

1. Is what I’m about to say helpful and healthy, or is it hurtful and harmful?
2. Am I reacting to something or have I committed it to prayer first?
3. Am I putting Bicep’s well-being before mine and am I honoring him by wanting this issue resolved or is it just so I can “be heard”?
4. Do I have a solution to the problem that I am bringing to him?

And if I can’t check off these four things confidently from my list, I don’t bring the subject up until I am able to do so.

If I can remember to do this and not attack during the heat of battle, we calmly and rationally discuss the issue at hand. It has single-handedly put a stop to the hour long (or more) fights, the ridiculous Rebekah rants and the non-solution endings to our arguments.

And it draws us closer to each other and closer to God. Pretty simple, but I’m pretty stupid sometimes and have to learn the hard way…

And that’s how we both “win” our arguments with each other.

One, Big Happy Family-the Power of Prayer

See this happy family? See that cool girl in red, wearing her big brother’s jacket because she was freezing to death but insisted on wearing that red dress no matter what? The girl with the immovable, poofy bangs protruding from her forehead? Yep, that’s me.

(Usually we were a much happier group. I think the cold froze our smiles off. Or it’s more likely we just sat through one of the most boring sermons at my Grandma’s church and were starving, tired and cold.)

Anywho-when I was about this age, while I sat in youth group one Wednesday night, sporting my sweet Guess jeans and a bright pink Guess T-shirt, my youth pastor told all of us to begin praying for our future spouses NOW.

And so, being the rule follower that I was, I did. I started off asking God for a hot guy. Then, I added to that a Godly guy. Before long, my list had grown to 42 things that I wanted in my man.

And ladies, this was what I was praying for all those years, unbeknownst to me. (If you ever had any doubt about the power of prayer-this is some smoking hot evidence that prayer really works.)

Here are a few things from the Spousal Prayer list of an 11 year old:

1. Brown hair, blue eyes and good-looking
2. Can skateboard (what?!)
3. Looks good at the beach
4. Likes to exercise
5. Hot body
6. Has ridden a bull
7. Encourages me to be me
8. Loves God, loves his family, loves my family and his family loves me
9. Wants kids
10. Likes cats
11. Is a musician, can play an instrument, likes to sing
12. Is a virgin
13. Raised in a Godly home

(It seems the “body portion” was very important to me at that age. Oh wait, it’s still important now.)

There were 42 things total and this man fulfilled my list-and then some. God is so good to a weird little girl and her 11 year-old dreams.

But, let’s take a look at #8 and #13 in particular.

At one point in my life, I dealt with a boyfriend whose family didn’t like me. It was awkward and awful. However, when I met Biceps’ family, they were easy to be around and instantly gave me a nickname-“peel-eater” (for eating the peels on my sweet potatoes-genius, I know).

The “mother-in-law syndrome”-that I thought was inevitable in a marriage-was nowhere to be found between us.

This beautiful woman (on the left) raised her children with God’s wisdom, honors her husband and honors the Lord with her life. Without her knowing it, she answered my prayers-particulary #8 and #13. And I love her for that-and for so much more.

Today is her birthday and I wish I could be there to celebrate with her. Instead, I will say a prayer of thanks that I married into such a wonderful family. And another prayer of thanks for the hot man God blessed me with.

Happy Birthday, Connie. You are an amazing woman of God. And by the way, great job at pro-creating. You made a good one-a real good one (see #1, 3, 4, 5).

I want to date him so hard.

Biceps and I have been rather busy for several weeks. It seems as though we are two ships passing in the night. Something’s gotta give.

I promised a “death till I part” and I meant it. Plus, there isn’t a single soul out there better suited for me, more willing to put up with my weirdness and more good looking than this specimen.

He even looks good eating pizza. Shoot, he looks good even when he doesn’t look good.

I think it’s time for me to take the bull by the horns, plan a date and quit waiting for him to have the time to do so. The man is working his buns off to provide a roof over my head.

When God blesses you with such amazing handsomeness, it’s no time to stand idly by. I’m thinking we need to Netflix a Rick Steve’s-the Amalfi Coast episode possibly, mix up some bruschetta and light some candles.

You know what I mean.

Why leave it up to him to plan all the romantic shin-digs? It’s time to get in the driver’s seat. Vroom.

A Broken Marriage, A Broken Friend

I have one of those friends that I haven’t seen in almost 20 years-but we talk to each other like we parted yesterday. Her name is Angela. She is also a Godly survivor of marital infidelity, betrayal and a broken heart.

She interviewed me for her own blog, asking me all sorts of personal questions about my nunchaku skills, my ability to kick cheating husband’s butts and why I told her to fight for her marriage. I even revealed some things that have happened to me in the past that has shaped my view of a Godly relationship.

After she found out her husband had been cheating on her and lying about cheating on her, her world fell apart. Her ex tried repeatedly to force his way back into her life.

Here’s an excerpt from her blog-“Moving On After He Moves Out“:

Before my divorce, if a friend came to me and said, “Ang, I don’t know if my marriage is going to make it,” I’d say, “It will work out. Just pray.” After my own marriage didn’t work out (even though I’ve never prayed so much in my life), I had to go back and apologize to those friends. And now that I know how to relate to unloved wives, I want to offer all the support and encouragement I can. I don’t have all the answers, but I know the guy who does. And I know that no matter what choices your husband made, God’s still got awesome plans for your life.

God has restored her, her hope in marriage and her hope in finding a good man. Hop on over to her blog, read the interview with yours truly and let her you know her weirdo friend, “Becky Banana” (this will be explained).

If you’ve ever experienced infidelity and need someone to talk to, Angie is your gal.