What women think men want….

For twelve-plus years, I’ve been married to my best friend, my soul mate and my confidant. However, “Biceps” is still an enigma. He leaves me guessing. He surprises me. He zigs where I most definitely thought he would zag. And, I still don’t quite “get” him.

I could be dressed up like a robot, adorned with crazy make-up, covered in silver paint and topped with a strainer for a hat-and yet-for some reason, Biceps finds me utterly irresistible.I had to get to the bottom of my puzzling man.

I don’t quite fit the mold when it comes to being a supermodel. What made me irresistible to the most attractive man that I know?

My ponderings begged the question-“What exactly do men want from their women?”.

This is what I’m told I should look like. Well, this with a tiny dog, a fancy car, a ridiculously overpriced purse and an attitude.

However, this is me-in a banana costume, at a party with people I don’t know, toilet papering my husband.

Totally normal. Not exactly glamorous, fabulous or with any spared room for an overpriced purse.
And still, Biceps found me irresistible. So, either the magazines are wrong or my husband is crazy. I had to test my theory.

After careful research, a lengthy and dedicated “home-study”, a litmus test with an uncompromised subject group-the results were in.

(Most) Men don’t care if our shoes match our purses. Heck, they don’t even care if our shoes match our outfits. Wear flip-flops with an evening gown. 9 out of 10 men won’t notice.

(Most) Men don’t worry about our style, or if we’re “in it”. They worry about the fact that we still adore them, can’t live without them, and think they are the cat’s meow. They want to be our heroes-nay our superheroes-if we’ll let them. (Most) men hope to be our knight in shining armor, even if we’ve been married 12 plus years. If we are in sweatpants, an oversized Mustang t-shirt and with our hair up in a bun…it doesn’t matter, as long as we look at them with adoration and tell them how we feel about their strong muscles.

So, keep your liposuction, your lip implants, your “I don’t care, but I do” dress. I’ll stick with kissing my husband passionately each day and doing it with my hair in a bun. It’s so much easier, so much cheaper and so much more enjoyable. Just ask Biceps.

Slap the stupid out of me.

Dear Readers:
I’m mad. I mean, REALLY MAD. In fact-I’m going to use a phrase I never use. I’m spit-fire MAD. And here’s why:

We, as crazy, wordy humans, say a lot of things. Extreme things: never, always, I’ll just die.

Ambiguous things: I dunno, maybe, kinda, yep.

Things to each other that we don’t honor: I will love you forever, I could never be mad at you.

And we text and email and IM all these words back and forth to each other. And before you know it, we mix the most sacred of words with the most mundane of all conversations.

I love you.
I love those shoes.

Forever, I’m yours.
I haven’t seen you, in like, forever.

I will marry you.
This sandwich married together perfectly the spicy mustard with the pastrami. 

Which leads us into devaluing what we say and what we’ve commit to.

Be mine, for all time.
He used to be mine. 

Till death do us part.
I was going to kill him if we had to stay together.

He makes me so happy.
We weren’t happy anymore.  

I’m an observer. I enjoy watching as marriages, relationships and friendships begin.
The first time a conversation is sparked leaves each party feeling elated and renewed. Weeks later, there is still so much to learn about that person and neither one could imagine life without the other. Your old friends think that you’re ignoring them, and to be perfectly honest-you don’t care.
Months roll on by and that person is maybe less of a priority, but still high on the list. You quit planning your entire day around them and start to schedule them in.
Years roll by and you find yourself either without the relationship intact any longer, or it’s down on the totem pole of priority. After all, you’ve got to live your life.

Which leads me to asking, “What happened?” Why is the “spark” out? Why does that once intriguing friend now bore you? Why is the person you just couldn’t get enough of, now-get on your every last nerve?

We are a finicky race, us humans. We allow our minds, our thoughts, our eyes to wander when something prettier, newer, skinnier, less complicated comes along.
A decent car now looks like a jalopy when parked next to that brand new, never driven Mercedes.
A nice laptop suddenly pales in comparison to that fancy new one at the Apple Store.
When you visit your boss’ house, your house suddenly seems small, out of date and embarrassing.

And your husband becomes commonplace and unappealing as you read “50 Shades of Gray” (for the record, I have never read this book-but I’ve heard enough talk about it to know what is up, ladies).

The socks left by him at the foot of the bed-for days-start to get under your skin. I mean, can’t he put those in the basket?!
The little tiny hairs from him shaving and not properly rinsing out the sink grate on your nerves. I just cleaned that!
He chooses just the most inopportune time to become amorous. I just ate pasta. Really?!

And then, along comes this guy. And he’s perfect. And interesting. And funny.
And he smells great and opens the door for you and he knows just what questions to ask and when to ask them and he moves the hair off your face and tucks it behind your ear just right and he thinks you’re awesome and, and, and…
And his socks would never bother you and he never farts and you know he’s a clean freak, just like you, and, and, and…

So you entertain the thought of him. And you open up your facebook and you “friend” him. And you start to message him. And you keep it from your husband.

And suddenly, your “forever” is more like, “when it’s convenient and it still makes me happy.” Before long, your “forever” is over. And that is what is making me spit-fire MAD.

And you look back on it and wonder when it started to go all wrong. It went wrong way before dating and marriage and facebook. It went wrong the first time you compared what you had to what someone else had-and you were ungrateful.

I’ve done it. My scratched up, 280,00 mile van is embarrassing surrounded by brand new Lexus’, Mercedes and BMW’s in the parking lot of where I occasionally work. My clothes have holes in them. I dress vintage because it’s cute, but mainly due to lack of advertising funds. You better believe I’m comparing my TJ Maxx purse to that women’s $1,500 Prada bag. I’m finicky. I compare and judge and evaluate.

And, I’m ungrateful.

And that is what makes me MAD. So, when you see me do it-slap me. Slap the stupid right out of me. Remind me that I’m being ungrateful and its a slippery slope from cars to clothes to shoes to husbands.

I believe love is forever and it is most certainly worth fighting for. I believe the “till death do us part”. I believe in what I said at the altar, what God has said about marriage and I want to be grateful-every day-for that. So, dear readers: you have my permission to slap me and get all spit-fire MAD at me if I start to slip.

Hold me to it.

10 Fun and Frugal Date Ideas

Biceps and I love to date each other-and have been for the last twelve and a half years. However, the typical dinner and a movie can get pricey-and monotonous. So, we like to look for inexpensive and spicey ways to still enjoy each other’s company, while staying on a focused budget.

Maybe you and your mate are in the same boat-or would like to be. Here are 10 Fun Frugal Date Ideas for you to build on!

1. Design another world for someone you love!
Pull out old boxes, packing tape and a pair of scissors. Together, design what your new world will be for your wee one (pet or child). Get creative and add hanging strings for kitties to swipe at, a ball for a dog to chase around or use markers to decorate the interior of the box for the humans in your life. It’s a whole new world, baby.

2. Enjoy a sunrise or sunset together.
Depending upon your mate’s aversion or diversion to the time of day, brew a pot of coffee and catch the sun as its rising or setting. Be still together. Soak in the colors and make cloud animals with your brains.

3. Make a tent in your living room.
This. just. happened. For our anniversary, we grabbed all the sheets, safety pins, clothes pins, chip clips and old rope we had and created an indoor tent. It’s a fun way to figure out how to work together, how to design your tent, and most importantly-what snacks will be inside of the tent. Build your tent over your tv and enjoy your favorite show or movie together while perched on pillows and blankets.

4. Hold a contest.
Challenge each other to find the most absurd signs that you can while out on a drive…

(4, Cont)…or in a store. It’s not hard to find human weirdness displayed in sign form. Snap a picture with your phone and let an unbiased third party be the judge.

5. Look through family photos.
Sounds a little boring, but in reality it’s not. Pull out that old bin of family photos and start telling each other stories (real or fanciful) about the people in them. You can make this a double date, of sorts, with other family members who enjoy the art of story telling.

6. Grab a $1 slice or pizza and head to the park.
Pack a few extras from home to round out dinner. Perch on a pretty spot and enjoy your simple picnic. Sunset is the best time of the day to enjoy this date. Uber romantic.

7. Have an indoor picnic.
Still too cold outside to enjoy an outdoor picnic? Pack up fruit, cheese and whatever else you have on hand and hang out in the living room-or some other room you don’t frequent. (Sometimes my favorite spot is the guest bedroom). Throw a blanket on the ground and enjoy your “picnic”.

8. Go camping.
Hate bugs? Hate waking up cold? Hate brewing your coffee in the shower house because that’s the only outlet? Well, too bad. Deal with it. Camping can bring a couple together if you go into it with an adventurous spirit. Take a hike together, see who can toss sticks the furthest, climb a tree, sit on a rock. Just BE together and quit complaining.

9. Dress up and photograph yourselves.
Make a costume out of whatever you have on hand-sheets are great capes, colanders are great hats, wooden spoons are perfect scepters, grannies old dress is hilarious on the manly spouse. You get the idea. Then, set up a tripod and photograph yourselves in various poses. Trust me, this is fun. Why do you think we do it every year with our Christmas Cards?

10. Sit on the back porch together.
Light a fire, snuggle down and be still together. No phones, no computer-just the two of you. Enjoy.

I’d love to hear any date ideas you may have. Comment below, please!

12 Years of Marriage, 12 Things I’ve learned

Dearest Readers:
Biceps and I have been married for 12 beautiful years-as of yesterday. The number “12” isn’t a fancy one-it’s not rounded out like 10 or 15. It’s that awkward number along the way to lucky 13 and just past the boring “boy-you’ve-still-got-a-lot-to-learn” single digits.

In and of itself, the number 12 is just there, being 12.

However, I’ve learned a lot about how to do this marriage thing in 12 years: how to tour with stinky guys, how to remodel and build more than I ever dreamed possible for me-and, of course, why cats are awesome.

I thought I’d share my vast knowledge of life with all of you. The first one is kind of a no brainer.

1. Even in Europe, while in the majestic Swiss Alps, cats are cute and are a necessity for me.

2. When your husband insists on you touring with his band, have a little class and don’t try to take over everything. All the time. Every spare minute. The other band members really don’t appreciate you mothering them.

3. Remodeling will either: (A) tear your marriage apart because you’re both insistent on doing it “your way” or (B) it will bring you and your black boogers, sawdust filled lungs, scraped knuckles, aching backs-closer together. Shoot for the latter.

4. No matter if you spend your time together in far off romantic places, farting will always kill the mood.

5. And even if you spend your special time together camping in your old home town as you roast hot dogs over a “romantic fire” and you must shower in a spider-infested, concrete block structure that smells like an ape house, farting will kill the mood.

So will poison ivy. But that’s another lesson for another day.

6. Telling your husband every day how handsome he is never gets old.

7. Sometimes, life will take you to fancy places. Never let it change why you fell in love with your spouse and who you are as a couple. I will always remember the times we took the night off from remodeling and drove our vintage Honda motorcyle to “splurge” on a Quik Trip soda. That was an awesome date night. I loved every minute of wrapping my arms around my husband on the back of that motorcycle, sitting on the curb as we watched the cars racing in and out of the gas station and laughing and chatting until the sun went down.

8. Sometimes life will present the bizarre. It’s good to have someone to share that with.

9. Yelling never solves anything. Besides-look at this face. How could you yell at that? The quickest and the healthiest way to a resolution is to pray together. It may sound trite, but trust me. You can’t demand to “win” if you are focusing on the one who gave His life for you. What you want seems pretty silly after remembering that.

10. Farting will always kill the mood.

11. Everyone looks sexier on stage-don’t compare your spouse to them and wish they were that sexy. Unless of course it is your spouse and your wish has already been granted. Hello! Then, I guess, comparing is kind of a moot point.

12. Holding out for that one man God has picked for you and staying faithful to aforementioned man, is the most exciting, most satisfying thing you can do in the entire world.

Happy Anniversary, Biceps. I love you more than cats and coffee.