Of Family: Fears and Failures

You may argue with me, but my family is the best. My parents have always been consistently faithful to each other, to us as role models and to their commitment to lead a Godly life.

However, we aren’t without our mistakes. And I’m not without my regrets as to how I’ve treated them, what I’ve said  or my crappy attitudes when they don’t do what I want them to do.

Each time we all get together, I tell myself that I’m going to be mature, I’m going to respond with grace and humility and I’ll give to them generously.

But I don’t. I act like a bratty 8 year old. I fail terribly. I get crabby. I demand my way. I get ticked off, retreat to my closet, eat chocolate and cry. And pet the cat(s). Thank God for cats. Seriously.

Then, I crawl back to the party I’ve offended and ask for forgiveness. It’s the same dooloop over and over again. I feel hopeless that I’ll ever really change. And you’d think I’d learn.

After all, I’m old enough to know better, I’m a mother in waiting, supposedly a “professional” and a wife of 12 years. But 8-year-old-Becky rears her ugly head time after time after time after time…

I’m so thankful for the Creator of the universe and for His forgiveness. Otherwise, I may end up seriously hopeless-never leaving my closet, nutritionally destitute from my steady chocolate diet and perhaps even rejected by my cats due to stinkyness.

But in Him I find hope that I can and I will change-with His help.

“If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:3-5

Like me, you may have difficulties with the people you love the most. My intention with my vulnerability is to encourage you out of the stinky, chocolate-laden closet while in pursuit of His cleansing forgiveness.

Don’t give up hope. In Him there is hope!

Were you the Popular Kid or the Nerd?

Dear Readers:
Boy, have I missed you. However, I can’t help myself. I must talk with you.

My computer is terribly slow-due to its Ram issue, seizing up every few seconds. Writing a post takes me more than an hour. But, I love you all and hate letting another day go by without saying “hello”.

I was reading the greatest book (ever written) with Biceps this morning and we came upon this scripture:

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.” (NIV, Romans 12:16)

This verse got me to thinking about high school.

(Photo Source-Movie, 1984 “Revenge of the Nerds”)
There of course were the definite “nerds” in high school. The ones that stayed in the science lab all day. They kind’ve stayed to themselves, played the tuba in the band, were the gaffers during plays and took three languages-just for fun.

Now, they run the world-but that’s beside the point.

And, there were the super popular girls who were on the cheer squad, dated the cutest boys and always voted to be the homecoming queens.

I was somewhere in between-I began my ninth grade year at the tender age of 13. I was this weirdo combination of somewhat smart and somewhat naive and totally, obnoxiously Christian.

My world view was quite small-coming from being kicked out of a Christian school in the sixth grade (long story) to then being home schooled for my seventh grade year. Public school started for me in the eigth grade and I wasn’t quite ready for jocks, druggies, band geeks and skateboarders.

I mean, they smoked cigarettes. Weren’t they all going to hell?

On top of my awesome judgmental attitude, overnight I went from being a skinny, flat girl to getting all my curves in one fail swoop. I was caught between wanting to still be a girl, but looking much more like a woman.

Large button up plaid shirts, loose jeans and Doc Martins became my wardrobe choice-I wasn’t comfortable with my new self.

I didn’t know who to align with, so I just decided to be everyone’s friend and hopefully-no one’s enemy.

But, by being everyone’s friend meant that I wasn’t really anyone’s friend. However, God in His infinite wisdom brought me the most wonderful friend and her name was Heidi.

Nope. Not this Heidi. A real live human being named Heidi.

Remember the scripture I was talking about earlier? “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.” (NIV, Romans 12:16)

While I was worried about my hair, how to walk down the hall and if James was going to talk to me today-Heidi smiled her way through the day, loving on everyone, not worried about who she associated with. She was the epitome of being Christ-like.

Who knew that years later, I would find Heidi via the great world wide web and she would also be a blogger (A Soul Laid Bare)?

She was wise beyond her years then and she continues to shape who I am today at age 34. Heidi showed me that it didn’t matter if you were popular, a nerd, or somewhere in between-you had value simply because you were you. She has no idea that she is what got me through high school.

Thank you, Heidi. I owe you.

God is so full of it!

Right now, I bet you are a little uncomfortable after reading the title. You might be wondering why I’m not dead from an immediate strike of lightening and you are slowly moving away from your own computer, afraid of the after effects of my impending doom.

Good thing that God knows the heart of this writer and not your heart-which apparently believes I deserve a strike of lightening. You naughty reader, you.

I woke up at 5:02 this morning (Biceps let me sleep in 2 whole minutes) and after saying aloud, “God is so full of it!”, I realized how funny it was. I laughed for awhile.

Things are always most humorous when one is lacking sleep.

But, God is full of it. He is so full of hope, grace, mercy, creativity, love, righteousness…the list goes on and on. Let me give you an example. You see this storm here? It looks pretty bad, doesn’t it? As this rolled in, I was pretty sure we were all about to see the end of the world.

The sky turned black. The birds quit singing. The trees stopped moving. The cats clawed at the rugs. (Well, that’s just normal for them. Sorry. Ignore that last statement.)

However, a whole lot of nothing happened. There was a downpour for a few minutes which cooled off the earth, watered my garden and filled my rain barrels.

And then, the storm moved on. It reminded me of one of the darkest hours in my life.

I’m about to get real and I will probably be judged by a few of you. I might even smash the facade you have of me. But, if I can’t be real about my past how can you trust me in the present?

Back in college, I didn’t have a strong relationship with the Lord. Sure, I believed in Him. I was going to a Christian University-that was kind’ve a prerequisite (not really-money was the prerequisite). I read my Bible. I lifted my hands at the appropriate times-but when it came to Him being the LORD of MY life-yeah…not so much.

I was bad, I treated my fiance at the time badly, which made our relationship go bad, which allowed the other “Christians” around me be bad to me.

I was asked not to come back to class by my professors-during finals mind you-because I was a “distraction” to the other students. Overnight, I lost all of my friends save two. I quit going to the cafeteria because I was so humiliated. I shrank to 98 pounds and really had no desire to eat.

I allowed the fiance to torture me for the next two months, along with his family. I received hateful phone calls at all hours and put up with them-thinking I deserved them.

I truly believed what they said to me-“I was a gold ring in a pigs snout.”

And that’s where God found me. Alone, ashamed, humiliated, wishing for death to end my pain laying on the bathroom floor. He found me and spoke to my spirit the simplest words, “You’re going to be alright.”

For the first time in years I wanted to read the Bible and the Word came alive to me. I read this:

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:1-6

Nothing changed overnight. I was still reaping the consequences of my sin. Almost two years had to pass before I felt truly whole again. And almost a decade had to pass before I could truly forgive myself and look others in the eye that knew of my past. Tulsa is small, too small.

So, dear readers, whatever situation you are in right now, know that “You are going to be alright”. God is so full of hope, mercy, love, forgiveness, and more. He can meet you right where you are. Even if you are laying on the bathroom floor right now, wishing for it all to end. He loves you. He forgives you. Ask Him to make His Word alive to you once more. He will not let you down.

My Best Friend Knows Everything

This morning I was driving home at 5:15 am, after just dropping off Biceps for another long day at the Fire Academy. The roads are pretty bare this time of morning and there’s really nothing on the radio-I think the DJ’s are sleeping the night off.

I’m left alone in my silence. I love silence.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good party and I love to entertain. But, I crave silence especially in the morning.

When I get home, the day is still dark, the dogs in my neighborhood aren’t barking (yet) and the birds haven’t even begun to sing. My phone isn’t chiming at me and my inbox is still manageable.

It’s the perfect time to talk to my best friend. And he knows EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

Example:

Me: “You know God, I’m really concerned about my friend X.”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: “I think what’s she going through is going to be really hard on her kids. It may affect them forever.”
God: “I know. I’ve been thinking the same thing.”
Me: “So, what should we do?”
God: “Well, I need you to be a friend to her, encourage her and pray for her. Jesus, the Holy Spirit and I will take care of the rest. I have a plan.”
Me: “What’s your plan?”
God: “Rebekah, quit being so nosy.”

Photo Source
After talking about the serious stuff for awhile, then He and I get into a lot of joking. Did you know that GOD created humor? That means He’s the funniest person/being that I know.

Example:

Me: “So, God-what do you have for me to do today?”
God: (in a deep announcer’s voice) “Are you ready for this?”
Me: “Sure.”
God: “I can’t hear you! Are you ready for this?”
Me: “YEAH!”

Photo Source
*Cue the angels playing “Are you Ready for this”.
*Cue smoke and lights.
*Cue God laughing and dancing wildly with arms over his head.
*Cue me joining in and wishing God gave me the ability to dance better.

Phew. After that kind of a workout, we both sit down and rest a bit.

Me: “That was awesome. So what do you want me to do today?”
God: “Keep visiting with me, and I’ll let you know. But for now, have you called your mother?”
Me: “Oops. It’s past 7, isn’t it? With all that dancing, time got away from me.”
God: “Tell her I said, ‘Hi’ and she’s one of my favorites.”
Me: “Will do, God. Thanks. I love you.”
God: “Oh, Rebekah-you have no idea how much I love you. You are one of my favorites, too.”
Me: “Ah…I bet you say that to all the ladies, don’t you?”
God: “Yep, and to all the men.”
Me: “God, you are pretty awesome.”
God: “I know.”

He really does know everything.