Family, Forgiveness, Failure

You may argue with me, but I have the best family in the world-both sides of them. My family and my husband’s family are absolutely amazing. Not to say there aren’t flaws in our families, but if one were placing blame, the flaws would mostly rest on me and my inability to be a decent human being.

Look at what my families have to put up with.
It becomes more and more apparent just how flawed I am and how much I need God when I study his Word. How many times when we come together do I allow myself to be frazzled, short with my temper or just plain jerk-like?

Photo Source
And then I realize that to live in peace with everyone is the evidence of my maturing in faith. I am one immature little puppy.

And then to really grind salt in the wound, God showed me this:

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3

AGH! BE COMPLETELY HUMBLE?! AND GENTLE? AND PATIENT? What?!-I don’t have time for that!

Artist Lastman Pieter-“Abraham on the Road to Canaan”

Take the story of Abram (Abraham) and Lot, for example. Abram takes Lot, his nephew, under his wing and cares for him and his entire family. Eventually, the two families become rather wealthy-like Bill Gates wealthy-all due to Abram’s generosity. Knowing the land cannot sustain both families and their livestock, Abram and Lot decide to part ways before the herdsmen ripped each other to shreds.

Abram chose to make peace in his family and approached his nephew.

Abram said to Lot, “Hey nephew, what land do you want?”
He gave Lot first choice, although it was Abram’s right to choose first.

Lot responded, “That looks pretty good over there. That’s mine.” He picked up his tent, his family, his livestock and moved to the best possible location for himself.

What a selfish jerk. I would never do something like that. I always put others first and not try to position myself into the best situation.

Abram was generous and knew that, “A generous man will prosper, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed”, Proverbs 11:25.

God told Abram not only was the land Lot was living on going to be Abram’s eventually, but everything else Abram could see. Now, who got the good deal here?

And, this is when the story gets good.

Lot, being the dumb-butt that he was, not only moved close to the most wicked city of the time-Sodom-he eventually moved into the city and became a judge. Lot must have forgotten everything his Uncle taught him. What an idiot-I remember every lesson that I’ve ever learned from wise people.

The city was invaded by competing kingdoms and Lot and his entire family were captured.

Abram gets ticked off at this point. Not at Lot-which is what I would have done. Abram tucks up his tunic, grabs his 318 trained men and goes to kick some butt.

I can hear his wife, Sarai, saying, “Um…this is the same guy, Abram, that totally screwed you over. Are you sure about this?”

He doesn’t use a tank, but since I’m a military brat-I knew there was a tank called “Abram’s tank”. Hilarious.

Anywho-He wasn’t afraid of loosing his life-all he could think about was rescuing his nephew. Abram rescues Lot and his entire family.

Lot chose the easy life, the pleasant life-and had to be rescued from his life, twice, by Abram. You’d think the man would learn a lesson and be forever grateful.

Nope.

Lot eventually lost his property and his wife and then spent his last, pointless, wasted days in a cave. (Genesis 19:30). That sounds like fun.

Lot missed out on all the awesome promises God gave to Abram-even though he should have received everything. And his godless family followed in Lot’s footsteps and have become enemies of God (Genesis 19:37-38).

Because of selfishness and being a self-seeking person, Lot missed out on all that God had for him.

Abram became the father of many nations. Lot became worm food.

Wow. So, because of Abram’s awesomeness, I have started asking myself how I’ve been approaching my own family.

1. Do I seek out the best for myself, take what’s best for me and forget easily what others have done for me?
2. Do I want to be right instead of being a promoter of peace in my household-even though I deserve to be told that I’m right?
3. Do I want temporary gain over God’s eternal best?

Dang you, Abram. I was just getting comfortable in my rights and boundaries and selfishness.

When everything seems to be going wrong…

Yesterday was one of those days. You know what I mean-a bump your head, forget your lunch, drop a brick on your toe, and the car wont start-days.

Except for me it started off with two of my carefully planned Christmas presents that were left in the wrong hands, turned out to look like poop. Not cute baby poop, but that English Mastiff neighbor dog next door gigantic, smelly poop.

And I didn’t feel great, so I was hopped up on meds. Which of course makes me sleepy and dizzy. This normally clutzy girl doesn’t need any help to injure herself, however yesterday I ran into the door frame of our bedroom-several times, tripped up the stairs and shut my hand in a drawer.

The cats are freaking out without their outdoor time and without Rebekah time as I slept the morning away. I awoke to a shattered vase, broken Christmas ornaments and several feathers (source was unknown), strewn about the house.

Then, the window in our sweet ride decided to retreat into the door without warning. There was no amount of coaxing and pleading that brought it back to its upright position. And there didn’t seem to be a repair guy on earth who could fix it last night.

I had promised Biceps a dinner of meatloaf, roasted sweet potatoes and carrots before he left for the day. And by golly, he was going to get that meal. Don’t get the wrong idea, this was not a sweet thing by the time it came to preparing aforementioned meal.
Instead, I was going to make sure Biceps knew that:
A) I was sick and didn’t feel like cooking
B) this meal was a lot of work
C) and now I had to do the dishes and did I mention I was sick?

And of course, I took all this frustration out on Biceps-because I’m a mature Christian who lashes out instead of talking to God about my frustrations. Biceps has his midterm today and needed to study even more than usual. The poor guy who didn’t deserve my retribution, also didn’t have time for it. Which made matters worse.

After Biceps put up with me for awhile, I retreated to our room. AND that’s when I decided to talk to God. I’m such an idiot-why does it take me so long to get where I need to be?

I read these two scriptures and was reminded of how blessed I am and where my hope is:

“But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.” Psalm 33:18

“Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.” Luke 6:21

I didn’t feel like laughing quite yet.

This is the one that got me, convicted me and caused a change of heart.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;, to be made new in the attitude of you minds, and to put on the new self, to be created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24

I returned to the land of the living to ask forgiveness from my loving Biceps. Thankfully, my husband is patient with this “work of art” that’s still being painted by the Creator.

All of those things that seemed to be so important and frustrating just moments before seemed a little less important and a lot less frustrating. It was a round-about and fairly embarrassing way to get to this point of total dependance on God.

“My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.” Psalm 62:7

He sure has a way of reminding us just how much we need Him, doesn’t He? He is such a stinker sometimes.

God is so full of it!

Right now, I bet you are a little uncomfortable after reading the title. You might be wondering why I’m not dead from an immediate strike of lightening and you are slowly moving away from your own computer, afraid of the after effects of my impending doom.

Good thing that God knows the heart of this writer and not your heart-which apparently believes I deserve a strike of lightening. You naughty reader, you.

I woke up at 5:02 this morning (Biceps let me sleep in 2 whole minutes) and after saying aloud, “God is so full of it!”, I realized how funny it was. I laughed for awhile.

Things are always most humorous when one is lacking sleep.

But, God is full of it. He is so full of hope, grace, mercy, creativity, love, righteousness…the list goes on and on. Let me give you an example. You see this storm here? It looks pretty bad, doesn’t it? As this rolled in, I was pretty sure we were all about to see the end of the world.

The sky turned black. The birds quit singing. The trees stopped moving. The cats clawed at the rugs. (Well, that’s just normal for them. Sorry. Ignore that last statement.)

However, a whole lot of nothing happened. There was a downpour for a few minutes which cooled off the earth, watered my garden and filled my rain barrels.

And then, the storm moved on. It reminded me of one of the darkest hours in my life.

I’m about to get real and I will probably be judged by a few of you. I might even smash the facade you have of me. But, if I can’t be real about my past how can you trust me in the present?

Back in college, I didn’t have a strong relationship with the Lord. Sure, I believed in Him. I was going to a Christian University-that was kind’ve a prerequisite (not really-money was the prerequisite). I read my Bible. I lifted my hands at the appropriate times-but when it came to Him being the LORD of MY life-yeah…not so much.

I was bad, I treated my fiance at the time badly, which made our relationship go bad, which allowed the other “Christians” around me be bad to me.

I was asked not to come back to class by my professors-during finals mind you-because I was a “distraction” to the other students. Overnight, I lost all of my friends save two. I quit going to the cafeteria because I was so humiliated. I shrank to 98 pounds and really had no desire to eat.

I allowed the fiance to torture me for the next two months, along with his family. I received hateful phone calls at all hours and put up with them-thinking I deserved them.

I truly believed what they said to me-“I was a gold ring in a pigs snout.”

And that’s where God found me. Alone, ashamed, humiliated, wishing for death to end my pain laying on the bathroom floor. He found me and spoke to my spirit the simplest words, “You’re going to be alright.”

For the first time in years I wanted to read the Bible and the Word came alive to me. I read this:

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:1-6

Nothing changed overnight. I was still reaping the consequences of my sin. Almost two years had to pass before I felt truly whole again. And almost a decade had to pass before I could truly forgive myself and look others in the eye that knew of my past. Tulsa is small, too small.

So, dear readers, whatever situation you are in right now, know that “You are going to be alright”. God is so full of hope, mercy, love, forgiveness, and more. He can meet you right where you are. Even if you are laying on the bathroom floor right now, wishing for it all to end. He loves you. He forgives you. Ask Him to make His Word alive to you once more. He will not let you down.

Grandma Broke Her Neck and her Nose and….

Dear Readers:
I have heard from many of you through private emails that you are encouraged by the times I talk about God, his Word and his faithfulness. Today, I am reaching out to those that call God their Lord and asking for prayer.

My sweet, wonderful Grandma-who is going to be 97 next month-broke her neck, busted her nose, managed to get two black eyes and lacerated her noggin.

She was doing extreme sports, getting ready for the upcoming snowboarding season and didn’t quite stick her landing.

She’s a tough old bird and didn’t go down without a fight. As she crawled to the phone, she left a trail of blood behind her. I’m telling you, she’s tough.

The doctors have said it’s a miracle she survived, let alone survived without being permanently paralyzed. We know just who had His hand in that. I don’t think she’s ready to go home, she still has so much she wants to do here on earth.

After all, we are promised 120 years, so she’s got at least another 23 years of active participation in this life. (I secretly think she is waiting for me to pop out a great-grandkid or two.)

So, please be praying for her quick recovery and the ability to go home soon. Thanks so much!