What is my Mom thinking? (Installment #3 from Baby Greiman)

My mom is so awkward. I’m not talking about a normal smell-your-armpits awkward.

I’m talking about making everyone and everything in a room feel an intense dread come over them, with no hope of escape awkward.

Yep, that’s her. In this never-before-seen photo, one can clearly see a hint of the awkwardness she’s capable of.

My mom may be a bit old-fashioned. But, I see that as a good thing. Who wants a wild child, table-dancing, booby bead gathering woman for a mom? Not me.

However, this type of old-fashioned behavior is not a welcome thing in the doctor’s office. It just makes everyone wish they were somewhere else. Let me tell you a little story of what happened at her last exam so that you may judge for yourself.

Due to an insurance change, my mom had to switch doctors in the middle of me growing in her belly. She loved her original doctor who was/is kind, sweet and understanding of her bizarre behavior.

The new doctor is also kind but less understanding. (See below).

Doctor: I’m going to leave the room. Go ahead and get undressed and put this robe on.
Mom: Um… Why?
Doctor: We need to do an examination and make sure everything is progressing normally.
Mom: “Everything”-like what?
Doctor: (at this point, he has sighed audibly) We’ll do a breast examination and I want to see what kind of pelvic structure you have.
Mom: I wasn’t mentally prepared for this.
Doctor: Would you like to make another appointment when you are more prepared?
Mom: No, it’s cool. Seriously. Totes. I mean…I just didn’t know. I wasn’t ready. Do I get a treat afterwards? (Dad suddenly found his phone very intriguing).
Doctor: There are some chocolates up front. Are you sure you’re ok?
Mom: Yeah. Totally. I’m great. Really. I’m ready. Alright, I’ll robe it up. This will be awesome.
(The doctor slowly vacates the room).

It got worse from there. She put the robe on backwards, said “ouch” and tried making small talk throughout the examination.

I may be only 2 pounds and have just formed my own eyebrows, but I can recognize abnormal behavior when I hear it. Once again, please pray for me to have a semblance of a normal life when I finally reach the outside world.

Baby G. out.

*read Installment #1 and Installment #2 from Baby G

Of Midwives, Doctors, Babies and Such

I’m trying not to make this blog about me and baby. There are plenty of those out there and women have been birthing since the dawn of creation. The fact that I’m pregnant is new to me, but run of the mill for everyone else. But, from time to time, I may drop a baby nugget or two. (Is that gross to say?)

Here we are sliding past week 15 and I’m finally starting to feel the pinch if I button up my jeans each day. The key word being “if” I choose jeans instead of opting for my cozy “house pants”.

At any rate, the baby is the size of a large orange and is already taking my breath away during Crossfit, climbing stairs or scaling fences to retrieve my naughty cat.

The baby is also causing me to rethink my 32 oz blender bottle full of water before bed (I peed 6 times last night), the necessity of makeup or matching my clothes.

And being pregnant has spurred me to read, research and question things I truly never cared about before. How do I want to give birth? On all fours? At home? In a tub? In a hospital bed? Knocked out, blindfolded and with ear plugs?

I like the idea of a midwife-but I like the idea of a capable doctor, too. Advances in modern medicine have saved countless lives-I won’t deny that. However, I don’t buy all of “modern medicine” hook, line and sinker.

After all, a lobotomy was considered a helpful procedure on mentally ill patients less than 50 years ago.

That looks fun.

If you are a mommy or daddy, I would love to hear your experience-if you’d like to share. Tell me what went right, what went wrong, and what would you wish you knew then that you know now?

PS-Just try not to scare the crap out of me. Thank you and goodnight. But, first I have to pee.