Efficient Baby Rearing

For all of those Mom’s out there that are tired, without makeup, half-starved…I have a pretty easy to follow and “Efficient Baby Rearing” technique.

All of the books that I read before pregnancy were right on. You DON’T have to give up your life because a little one has been added to the fold. You and your mate were there before baby was there. There is no need to make adjustments-the baby will just need to fall in line.

So, here are the techniques laid out for you.

1. Working out.

-The pressure to regain your post-baby  body is warranted. How do you expect to keep your mate if you give yourself recovery time? Continue working out immediately after the baby has been born-prepare for bikini season. If you took care of yourself and you are in good shape, there is no reason that you can’t be back doing double-unders in Crossfit immediately and looking like this….

2. Wear the clothes you love and not the ones that you can easily nurse in/cover up spit-up/are stretchy.

-Why change your wardrobe to suit the needs of your child? They should understand if you have to completely disrobe in a public setting, (i.e. a friend’s birthday party) in order to nurse.

3. Continue “running into” stores.

-The baby should understand that you have 5 errands to run and two hours to do them in. If the baby poops its drawers or is hungry-they will just have to wait. You  are teaching them patience and responsibility.

4. Ensure the baby sleeps only in its crib.

-It’s a bed. They should sleep in it. And unless you’re like me (frugal), you spent several hundred dollars for this bed. There is no reason they should prefer the car seat, the swing, your chest, your bed or anywhere else to their crib. It’s just not logical. Their crib or the highway.

5. Sometimes, babies just cry. Let them.

-Only a namby-pamby woos picks up their kid after they’ve cried for several minutes. Let them cry. They’ll (and you) will be fine.

6. Continue to eat a well-balanced diet–and not some weird, cobbled together reheated-but-now-cold meal.

-What’s stopping you from cooking that well-balanced meal? The baby sleeps around 18 hours a day, according to the books I’ve read. That means you can prepare at least two gourmet meals. What else do you have to do?

7. Nursing is so natural and so easy.

-You don’t really need to know what you’re doing-you were made for this. Embrace all instruction, because it could be right. Don’t worry about the ramifications.

8. As soon as possible, allow the baby to “entertain itself”.

-Babies practically raise themselves. The less you coddle them, the more they’ll learn to be independent. They’re really not that cute. You can walk away.

That’s about it. If you follow these techniques, you’ll do great as a parent. If not…well, you’ve screwed up another entire generation. No pressure.

10 Reasons I’ve become a bad friend…blogger…Crossfitter…

It’s amazing how life can change on a dime. Who knew that having a baby would make every single one of my priorities change? This fact is no surprise to those of you who already have children-but to me, it’s earth shattering.

Things that were once super important to me-having my hair done (or at least combed), makeup on, clean underwear…are of little consequence at this point. While some new mothers blissfully nurse, keep a clean house and ultimately win at being awesome…I’m struggling to get Birdie to sleep in her own bed.

And once something like this is in your arms, little else matters. I pretended to understand this when I was childless. However, there is no way I could have grasped the fulfillment I would receive from changing a stinky diaper.

The ginormous amounts of diapers that have flowed through my hands is one explanation to the reason that I’ve become a bad friend, blogger, Crosfitter, daughter, etc…

Here are a few more:

1. Typically, if you call me, I am in the middle of feeling like this. Not the woman with makeup on in the pretty dress. Look a little more to your left. There. The animal with the tail and fur-that’s me.

Moo.

2. This is reason #2 that I’m a bad friend. High-pitched screaming and phone calls do not mix.

3. While I had my hands in this, (literally-it was IN this), you may have called, texted or stopped by. Sanitation must occur before touching anything. I apologize for being unavailable.

4. My house may look like this, sans Whataburger cups. For a self-admitted “neat freak”, letting you see my house in this disarray would have challenged all that I know to be sacred.

5. I’d love to go on a walk, get a cup of coffee, or hang out. However, this is also how I may have appeared. No one should have to deal with this.

6. Crossfit was my oasis before Birdie. It challenged me, pushed me to my limits and physically altered my body. Now, getting a good burp out of Birdie is my victory for the day. A good toot out of her is another.

7. If I have a moment to respond to an email or text, or if I want to blog-I’m doing it all with one hand. The other is occupied holding Birdie, (a job much envied by all grandparents).

8. My brain is half-functioning, sleep is weirdly sporadic, food is scarce and my interpersonal skills are suffering. I apologize for stinking it up in the listening department, dear friend.

9. If I have some downtime, I’d like to do this. It rarely happens, but the thought of it-although it is perhaps unattainable-seems magnificent.

10. However, if I have any downtime at all, you may find me instead staring at this. Can you blame me?

What is my mom thinking?! (A letter from baby Greiman)

Dear Readers (that my mom talks about all the time):

This here is baby Greiman. I may be a boy or I may be a girl-I’m not sure yet. Things haven’t quite developed in my nether regions.

However, what I am sure of is that my mom is crazy. Like seriously, ridiculously out of her mind. Granted, she’s not afforded the brain to body ratio that I currently enjoy (her brain is merely 2% of her body), but she should know better.

Take for example what she put me through yesterday: 1 hour of a modified WOD in Crossfit. Apparently, her doctor said I’m already changing her life. She has to give up handstand push-ups, double-unders and box jumps.
But, I still am sloshed around while hearing muffled grunting. And, I can sense stinky sweat just outside my cozy oasis. Why mom, why?
How about a nice bath, some netflix and a fire going instead?

Then, as if to ironically offset all the hard work-she eats THIS! Are you kidding me?! I would prefer a salad, some lean meat, an avocado, maybe the occasional bowl of yogurt…but THIS?

And, I’ve been informed that this is the guy who supplied this greasy mess. Apparently, he’s going to be my dad. I have to question both of their ability to make sound judgements-not just for themselves, but for me.
After all, I’m subject to whatever it is that they put me through.

Including this nonsense. Every weekend-multiple times a weekend, I endure a super noisy, clanging cacophony of sounds that I’m confounded as to the purpose.
Although, mom seems to really enjoy it. She sways back and forth, stomps her feet and sings really loud. Sometimes she stops only to stare at the aforementioned ‘dad’, which she tells me quietly is “so cute”.

I think I’m doomed to have a strange life with really weird parents. Please pray for me.

How to fall asleep fast.

I’ve never been good about falling asleep. Even as a child, I remember playing my favorite cassette tape–”Antshillvania” until I dozed off into a bliss of rainbows and unicorn dreams.

I wasn’t a belligerent child by not going to bed easily—at least, not at that moment. The trouble has always been my racing mind-pinging from one subject to the next, one song to the next, one kitty cat prayer to the next. In today’s world I might have been diagnosed as ADHD.

My mother correctly diagnosed me, however, as having a wildly creative mind.

Last night, while Biceps was out saving the city, my mind wouldn’t shut off. Here’s a typical 30 second snippet from my brain:

“Did I hand out enough flyers on that home?”
“Did I call Cynthia back?”
“What did I eat for lunch?”
“Who wrote, ‘Hippy Hippy Shake?”
“Would Netflix update their past season?”
“I wonder who Des chose to be her one and only (for the next two months)?”
“What will our WOD be in Crossfit tomorrow?”
“Did I remember to harvest the okra today?”

And so on…I needed something to settle me down.

I grabbed my Bible, and remembering what I just heard that morning on the radio, flipped open to Psalms 4.

Psalm 4:7 & 8-“You brought me more happiness than a rich harvest of grain and grapes. I can lie down and sleep soundly, because you, Lord, will keep me safe.”

What else does a girl need in order to fall asleep?