Cats on the Counter, Training Help?

Dear Readers:
I need your help in the cat training department. It may seem surprising to tell you these kittens aren’t perfect. And yes, they are so cute it’s hard to believe they don’t obey my every command. In fact, their cuteness is the only thing keeping them around sometimes-to be honest.

Max gets a kick out of knocking the mannequin heads off of the fireplace mantel. Bianca has literally figured out how to turn on the kitchen sink faucet and sets up camp in the sink to drink to her little heart’s content. (She has a dish of fresh water each day, but this apparently isn’t good enough.)

This is how our discipline began with the tender kittens: A firm “NO” and a finger wag.
This did absolutely nothing.

Second came the squirt bottle. Initially, they didn’t like it and would run for the hills. But, then they got used to being hosed and held their ground as I sprayed them directly in the face during their naughty escapade.

We have since upgraded to an air horn. It’s ear splitting and I hate to use it-mostly because it deafens me and I know the neighbors can hear it. (I’m sure they just chalk it up to “those weird Greimans”.)
I think the cats are getting used to this, too.

For example, I have been sick for the last few days. The house was suddenly too quiet. I forced myself out of bed to find Max lounging on the kitchen counter and he was watching Bianca licking water from the faucet. They saw me-air horn and all, but went right on with what they were doing. I honked the air horn and both kittens scattered off into the living room-but were right back in position maybe 5 minutes later.

So, dear readers: how do you train your cat? I need some suggestions before I go crazy.