A Revelation

I’ve never been one to want to smell a baby’s head, cuddle it while it’s crying or envision myself as a mom. I don’t get gooey over anything baby related other than tiny shoes. Seriously-tiny shoes are cute.

I know that the mothering side to me is there-my heart is not completely black. And I’ll admit to being a little jealous of women that had these motherly attributes that were seemingly and utterly “all that is female”. But for some reason, whether I was scared of admitting it or worried it may never happen, I wouldn’t allow myself to feel this way about a child. I love children, and I love them more when you’re taking care of their poopy diaper.

I was completely ok with life being only Biceps and I (and maybe a cat or two). Or so I thought. And then I hit 35 and the thought of having a little stubborn mini-Biceps running around shooting at squirrels with a stick, throwing rocks into ponds and generally being a boy overwhelmed me. Or maybe even a little mini-Rebekah with sassy pigtails organizing her stuffed animals.

But nothing happened. For awhile. Like a long while. Women all around me seemed to get pregnant with ease. I was happy for them, but there was that twinge. It’s like that feeling after a break-up when all you see are happy couples and you’re sitting alone in the corner with your single served ice cream glaring at them like a freak.

I’ve been that freak on more than one occasion. And here I was again. Well-meaning women would ask why we didn’t have children or why I didn’t like kids. My heart was ripped open one day, and I wrote this–A Letter from a Childless Wife.

It was cathartic but also extremely revealing to write something so raw for the world to read, to pass on to others or to judge me by. But, I did it with the hope that even if we couldn’t conceive, others might know the pain I, or any other childless wife, might feel each time their “motherly duties” were questioned.

And then, this happened.

I am blessed beyond words to share this revelation with all of you. I am honored that God chose this time for us to conceive. And, I covet your prayers as we move forward to our due date of April 22nd.

Biceps and I are finally going to be parents. Amen and amen.

♥♥(If you are in the midst of or have been through this same story, I would love to lift you up as you did for me when I wrote my letter. Privately email me or comment below.) ♥♥

Things are happening right now.

Quite often I get caught up in tomorrow’s to-do list. Or even the next day’s, or next week’s, or next month’s. Every once in awhile, I’ll have a quiet moment as I sit on my back porch, watch the sun break through the darkness, the birds wake up-and I’m reminded of the “here and now”.

Here are a few things happening right now.

This guy is busy burrowing through the grass chasing a worm. It’s a thrillingly slow chase.

I’ve created “The Birds” in my backyard due to a bagful of old bread. I’m a little afraid of eyeball removal by aforementioned feathered foes, but you gotta take risks sometimes.

This hot little number has been studying every spare minute to take his year end test-which secures his job with Tulsa Fire Department-today. The term “year-end test”, has become the butt of many a joke. Just say the words out loud.

Yep. Sounds like urine test, doesn’t it?

I have harvested okra, tomatoes and peppers this morning-and in turn reaped the benefits of 576 bug bites, 2 muddy shoes and one irritated-by-okra-leaves arm.

As I folded laundry, did dishes and got ready for my day-my mind raced through my real estate listings and everything I needed to do-(while “Love Shack” by the B-52’s and “I want to hold your hand” by the Beatles synonymously played in the back of my brain-obviously).

I knew I needed to quit worrying and grabbed the book of absolute truth. (My thoughts are italicized).

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life (seriously-me not worry?!), what you will eat or drink (I think about what I’m going to eat next while I’m still eating); or about your body (I find flaws on it nearly every day), what you will wear (it only takes me a few hours to decide). Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father (or Rebekah) feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they (am I? woah.)? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (you’ve got a good point there, God…)
Matthew 6:24-34

During my “here and now”, worry tends to take over. But after reading this scripture, I was reminded to stop and observe the mushrooms (I have no roses to smell) and give my worry, fear, anxiety, and stress over to God. After all, if He can prompt some girl in Tulsa to share her day old bread with the sparrows, won’t He see to it that I’m taken care of?

My “House of Dirt”

Biceps follows someone on Instagram that makes him mad. According to him, “they are so good, so in shape, so muscular and so ridiculously strong” it makes him angry that he’s not on that level. As if Biceps could get any stronger or better looking.

My response to his instagram outburst this morning was: “They’re going to die, too.” A callous (but funny?) response, I know. There is no escaping death-unless you are Michael Jackson and you have yourself frozen, of course.

No matter what we do with our time, we will all meet an end. As my pastor has said, “We are houses of dirt.”

I spend almost an hour a day sweating my butt off so that I’m not totally embarrassed to wear a swimsuit. Sure, it’s good for my health, my heart, my longevity-and of course, Biceps appreciates it.

However, whether I’m Ms. Fitness or not (leaning more towards the “not”), I’m going to die and decay and rot. Muscles and fat and all.

I spend countless hours a week ridding my home of softball-sized white dust bunnies, courtesy of two furry felines. Literally, I feel as if my house is really a “house of dirt”.

I wash our clothes, wipe down sinks, do dishes, clean mirrors, mow our lawn, tend the garden, wash the van, sweep up more dust bunnies (and then clump them into one giant fur pile to gross out Biceps).

But, our house could be leveled by a tornado or even a sharknado tomorrow-and all my cleaning, decorating and obsessing would be back to square one.

I watch as the women I know work themselves into a frenzy-and I’m tempted to follow suit. My phone dings, rings and notifies me of something every two seconds. I am constantly “on call” as a realtor. My day doesn’t really end. I could make a little money with this job; or a lot of money and buy everything I’ve ever wanted and then what? I die?

If you have been storing your treasures here on earth-whether it’s a physically fit body, the perfectly clean showcase home, the awards and recognition from a job well done-I want to remind you that we are all made of dirt. We will all die and decay.

And then what?

“But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” Matthew 6:20

How to fall asleep fast.

I’ve never been good about falling asleep. Even as a child, I remember playing my favorite cassette tape–”Antshillvania” until I dozed off into a bliss of rainbows and unicorn dreams.

I wasn’t a belligerent child by not going to bed easily—at least, not at that moment. The trouble has always been my racing mind-pinging from one subject to the next, one song to the next, one kitty cat prayer to the next. In today’s world I might have been diagnosed as ADHD.

My mother correctly diagnosed me, however, as having a wildly creative mind.

Last night, while Biceps was out saving the city, my mind wouldn’t shut off. Here’s a typical 30 second snippet from my brain:

“Did I hand out enough flyers on that home?”
“Did I call Cynthia back?”
“What did I eat for lunch?”
“Who wrote, ‘Hippy Hippy Shake?”
“Would Netflix update their past season?”
“I wonder who Des chose to be her one and only (for the next two months)?”
“What will our WOD be in Crossfit tomorrow?”
“Did I remember to harvest the okra today?”

And so on…I needed something to settle me down.

I grabbed my Bible, and remembering what I just heard that morning on the radio, flipped open to Psalms 4.

Psalm 4:7 & 8-“You brought me more happiness than a rich harvest of grain and grapes. I can lie down and sleep soundly, because you, Lord, will keep me safe.”

What else does a girl need in order to fall asleep?