Efficient Baby Rearing

For all of those Mom’s out there that are tired, without makeup, half-starved…I have a pretty easy to follow and “Efficient Baby Rearing” technique.

All of the books that I read before pregnancy were right on. You DON’T have to give up your life because a little one has been added to the fold. You and your mate were there before baby was there. There is no need to make adjustments-the baby will just need to fall in line.

So, here are the techniques laid out for you.

1. Working out.

-The pressure to regain your post-baby  body is warranted. How do you expect to keep your mate if you give yourself recovery time? Continue working out immediately after the baby has been born-prepare for bikini season. If you took care of yourself and you are in good shape, there is no reason that you can’t be back doing double-unders in Crossfit immediately and looking like this….

2. Wear the clothes you love and not the ones that you can easily nurse in/cover up spit-up/are stretchy.

-Why change your wardrobe to suit the needs of your child? They should understand if you have to completely disrobe in a public setting, (i.e. a friend’s birthday party) in order to nurse.

3. Continue “running into” stores.

-The baby should understand that you have 5 errands to run and two hours to do them in. If the baby poops its drawers or is hungry-they will just have to wait. You  are teaching them patience and responsibility.

4. Ensure the baby sleeps only in its crib.

-It’s a bed. They should sleep in it. And unless you’re like me (frugal), you spent several hundred dollars for this bed. There is no reason they should prefer the car seat, the swing, your chest, your bed or anywhere else to their crib. It’s just not logical. Their crib or the highway.

5. Sometimes, babies just cry. Let them.

-Only a namby-pamby woos picks up their kid after they’ve cried for several minutes. Let them cry. They’ll (and you) will be fine.

6. Continue to eat a well-balanced diet–and not some weird, cobbled together reheated-but-now-cold meal.

-What’s stopping you from cooking that well-balanced meal? The baby sleeps around 18 hours a day, according to the books I’ve read. That means you can prepare at least two gourmet meals. What else do you have to do?

7. Nursing is so natural and so easy.

-You don’t really need to know what you’re doing-you were made for this. Embrace all instruction, because it could be right. Don’t worry about the ramifications.

8. As soon as possible, allow the baby to “entertain itself”.

-Babies practically raise themselves. The less you coddle them, the more they’ll learn to be independent. They’re really not that cute. You can walk away.

That’s about it. If you follow these techniques, you’ll do great as a parent. If not…well, you’ve screwed up another entire generation. No pressure.

Introducing “Baby G.”-our sweet little Birdie Rose

As you may have surmised, I have been a little MIA for the last few weeks. The preparation for Baby G., my parent’s and in-law’s arrival, and just generally being pregnant left me with little energy at the end of each day. I desperately wanted to keep all of you informed, but hoped you’d bear with me as we adjusted and prepared for our new life.

All the work, planning, waiting, plotting and prayer was worth the wait. On April 27th, at 12:02am, our lives forever changed.

Introducing-Birdie Rose:

She has made me realize so many wonderful things about God’s promises already. During the entire labor and delivery, the scripture, “He will never leave us, nor forsake us (1 Kings 8:57)” played on repeat in my mind.

The birth of Birdie Rose created a time where Biceps and I had to passionately lean on the Lord.

After walking several miles in the morning, my contractions began mid-afternoon on Friday, April 25th. We wanted to remain at home until they were appropriately 3 minutes apart. Biceps tried everything to distract me from the pain-jokes, food, and weird 1am television were all part of his repertoire.

Mostly, I laid on the floor and moaned like a beached sea whale, freaking out the cats in the process.

Finally, Biceps and I loaded up, left the kitties a little worse for wear, and ran off to the hospital on Saturday morning around 3am. For the next day, I labored-literally-in vain.

Biceps and Mom were at the helm the entire time–rubbing my back, applying moist heat, encouraging me, praying over me and force-feeding me honey sticks.

By Saturday night (33 hours later), we knew something was amiss. My contractions were increasing in frequency, length and severity of pain–and I was getting tuckered out.

Little Baby G. did not want to come out-at least not the way we had planned. But, God had His hand on the entire situation.

We had a rockstar nurse-Bekah-who did everything short of taking the pain on herself. She sat up with us throughout the night and prayed with us. Because of Bekah, we discovered after all these hours of natural labor, our little determined girl was breeched. Birdie had flipped at the last minute, after being in the correct position for the entire 9 months.

A few hours later, we were confronted by our doctor with the necessity of an emergency C-Section. This was not how I had planned it and I lost it right there in the delivery room. We were supposed to have her, drink our OJ and be on our merry way. But, Birdie Rose wanted more of a show.

And again, God was there. Our rockstar nurse followed us to the operating room and stayed with me throughout the entire procedure. My doctor prayed with me and calmed me down. And, 30 minutes later–Birdie was “born”.

I have no idea why the birth happened the way that it did. But, because of the unusual circumstances met by supernatural answers–I knew my God was watching over me. There were many details-when my water broke, when the doctor was available, how much I had eaten–that seemed to miraculously be taken care of.

The birth of Birdie Rose deepened my love for the Lord, for my husband and for my family. I already cannot imagine my life without her.

She is our blessing–one we waited 13 years for. And it was totally worth it.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:2-5

4 Days and Counting to Baby G.

All at once, it seemed as if the weeks disappeared and we’re only left with a few days. One by one, I’ve ticked off the days approaching our “due date”. Of course, only God truly knows when this precious little one will arrive.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13

These guys showed up on my doorstep late last night, looking for a place to stay. Of course, I invited them in, gave them a glass of water and sent them off to bed. They’re making some claim to be here for me and baby, but I truly know it’s because they like my cooking and our spring here in Tulsa.

“Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.” Hebrews 13:2

The preparations over the past nine months for Baby G.-both physically and emotionally-have allowed me enough time to think, adjust, process and become excited over this major life change. It’s just been Biceps and I for 13 years, and now we are bringing a helpless child into this world. A world that demands Jews to be registered in Russia, killers get to walk free because of technicalities and Justin Bieber is still an “artist”. It’s a scary place.

“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.” Titus 2:11-13

However, I have hope for the next generation. (Or else I wouldn’t have spent an inordinate amount of time making things like this for my next generation to enjoy.) I know that God has a plan and a purpose for my unborn baby-one with a hope and a future.

“From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.” Psalm 71:6

And as Baby G. grows, this is where he/she will rest and contemplate the deeper meanings of life:
1. Do I really like brussel sprouts more than twizzlers as mom keeps insisting?
2. Is a book really better than an Ipad?
3. Will swimming right after eating really cause cramping?
4. Are cats really superior to dogs in every way?
5. Etc., etc.

“…and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills—to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze.” Exodus 35:30-32

As this baby continues to stay housed within me, I have a keen sense of their needs and wants. However, I know that this is nothing compared to them “being on the outside”, when they are no longer prisoner to amniotic fluid and my whims of donuts vs french fries vs broccoli. I have spoken love to this baby, I have prayed for this baby, I have clung to my Father over its health. This child has caused my faith to grow in Him.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see…By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.” Hebrews 11:1, 3

Just four more days of me looking like this. Then, you’ll see me covered in spit-up, carrying around a pink, fleshy, fat-rolled Baby G. And, I don’t know if I could be happier than that.

Just four more days.

“…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Twas little more than a fortnight until Baby G’s unveiling

This is a fancy way of saying “16 days until Baby G is supposed to come into this world.” Biceps and I are feeling a little more prepared, but I tend to freak out silently from time to time. I have a few questions that no one seems to be answering:

1. What if the baby comes early and I’m not ready?
–The typical answer: Oh, you’ll be ready, you say.
–My rebuttal: Oh yeah? You don’t know my emotional ramping-up needs. It took me two years to be emotionally ready for marriage after a terrible break-up with the “wrong guy”. TWO YEARS. I could have acquired a Master’s Degree in that time.

2. What if I toot around my kid, then realize I shouldn’t have, then apologized, then he/she tells on me in some ridiculously public place and uses this ammunition as their own leverage to toot willy-nilly?
–The typical answer: That’s the least of your worries, you say.
–My rebuttal: Is it? I have a non-tooting reputation to uphold. Be quiet any of you out there that know otherwise.

3. What if not getting enough sleep, along with my hormones going wacko, along with a dirty house, piles of laundry and a messy kitchen causes me to just walk out of the house one day and never come back? What if I’m not quite the superhero woman I think I am?
–The typical answer: You’ll adjust, you say. You’re going to get used to your house being messier, the dishes not being done and you’ll eventually get sleep.
–My rebuttal:You apparently don’t know my obsessive-compulsiveness or my extreme need for a clean house.

4. What if I totally screw up my kid and they turn into some sort of Hannibal Lecter or a serial killer or, even worse-don’t like cats?
–The typical answer: You’re going to screw up for sure, you say. But you won’t screw up this badly.
–My rebuttal: I once put my baby brother underneath a clothes hamper, sat on top of it and didn’t move until I was threatened by my mother. Who does that? And, I’m sure Hitler’s mother didn’t think she would screw up Adolf. Look what happened there.

5. What if my kid follows my pattern of a self-absorbed childhood thinking I looked awesome in this dress, my risky teenage years of driving too fast and dating too old of guys, ill-planned college years where I barely made A’s and broke a boy’s heart out of complete selfishness and finally a few adult years of somewhat gained but lackluster maturity where I see few peaks but mostly valleys of incompetence?
–The typical answer: Your kid is going to be awesome. Besides, you’ve got Bicep’s influence and he’s awesome.
–My rebuttal: I’ll give you that. Biceps is awesome.

How could a kid not grow up to be awesome with this guy as his dad?
–The typical answer: It’s impossible.
–My rebuttal: I have none.

What were your biggest worries or fears before becoming a parent?